my sister visited today and I fell apart :(

My sister stopped by after work to visit today, and I just lost it.  She quit her job a couple weeks ago because she didn't like the way things were managed at her job, and she already has a new job.  I know her line of work is different from hubby's (she's a physical therapist), but it just does not seem fair that we always get the short end of the stick.  She started talking about her new job, and I just snapped and the next thing I knew, I was in tears and it took forever to compose myself again.  Ugh.  Kelley has been looking for over 5 months now and not one callback or phone interview even.  I'm very depressed and anxious lately.  I'm having a lot of panic attacks, and lately the nerve pain/myofascial pain/fibromyalgia, what ever it is, has been BAD.  It does tend to flare up with stress, and I've had a lot of it lately.  I'm not going to harm myself or anything, but I just feel broken and beaten and can't take much more.

We're going to try to sell the house, which sickens me.  I think we're going to get Tessa & me packed fairly soon and make a trip out to LA and drop us off with the inlaws and Kelley will come back here and pack and tie up all the loose ends.  I am seriously at the end of my tether.  I know we have a lot to be grateful for - a thriving, smart daughter, our health (such as it is, it could always be worse), but these are dark days for me and hard to see the light.  I am numb inside and just want to be happy again and sleep well and not have at least 1 panic attack every day or constantly feel on the verge of a panic attack.  I am having a hard time keeping it together for Tessa. 

I know these tough days make us stronger in the end, but I sure hate going through them in the meantime.

Mar. 10 Giveaways

LESLIE LOVES VEGGIES GIVEAWAYS
HuePhoria Salt 'n Peppa's Giveaway
Win a Salt 'n Peppa's set of your choice from HuePhoria {ARV $12} Giveaway at Leslie Loves Veggies Ends 3/25 

Hershey's Extra Dark Chocolate Giveaway
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NEW AGE MAMA GIVEAWAYS
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Earth Baby Organics Giveaway
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Glamourmom Nursing Top or Tank Giveaway
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To Sin with a Scoundrel by Cara Elliot Book Giveaway
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Skinny Water Giveaway
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Strappy's Decorative Bra Strap Jewelry Giveaway
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Mar. 9 Giveaways

LESLIE LOVES VEGGIES GIVEAWAYS
The FruitGuys Giveaway
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Alice and Wonderland and Philosophy - Curiouser and Curiouser  Book Giveaway
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Hip Littles Personlized Stainless Water Bottle Giveaway
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Metal Ink Tatoo Inspired T-Shirts Giveaway
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I just can't ever catch a break :(

So DH dropped a bombshell this afternoon and told me he found out his unemployment benefits will be gone at the end of April (there's legislation in the works to extend it but who knows how long that will take to go through?).  He has been hunting for a job since Oct. 2009 and no bites, not even a phone call back despite nearly 100 applications submitted (his work is specialized, he's a Ph.D. physical chemist, nanotechnology).  Great.  So what are we supposed to do now?  I think it will mean selling the house (probably at a huge loss) and moving in with his parents (who thankfully I get along with but their house is on the small side). 

It's not enough that I've gone through severe depression, an eating disorder & am dealing with panic disorder & fibromyalgia (or something, that's what the doctors call it, I'm not sure it's true fibromyalgia but I have very severe myofascial pain all over my body, muscle spasms, lots of nerve sensitivities) & for lack of any other diagnosis, that's what it's been labeled as.  And I had a heck of a stint with vitamin B-6 toxicity too.  All of the meds I've been on over the years have changed me (my personality) in ways I can't exactly explain, but I just don't function the way I used to before I got on any meds and I can't put my finger on exactly how it's changed me, just that it has, and even my mom & sisters have remarked upon it from time to time.  I've tried getting a job in retail but my degree (master's in cell biology) seems to overqualify me for anything.  Don't people understand the job market is brutal out there! ?  DH can't find work either since nearly every company has applications online & the computer screening sometimes boots him out the minute he's submitted an application (will receive an automatic email back that he' not got the job).

This was already DH's 3rd layoff in 5 years of marriage.  It's so frustrating!  If only he'd get a break or someone would take a chance on him.  Even if he doesn't have experience or a degree in a field, it's likely he can learn it & get up to speed quickly.  One of his greatest assets is that if his job requires something like knowledge of an area of physics or calculus or computer programming, he can quickly learn & master it.  And he is one of the most tenacious problem solvers I've ever met & often will think outside the box to solve a problem.  Which you'd think would be skills that make him highly marketable, but there's never a place on an application to list these sorts of skills & if you add them in otherwise, it sounds like you're just full of yourself or something.

And now our house...I am numb inside, hurt, I don't know.  It seems like I never get any kind of break ever. Trying to keep a cheerful front for my daughter is just about doing me in.  I haven't had a decent night's sleep in forever.  I'm having panic attacks daily.  And I'm depressed (not going to harm myself or anything) but I've certainly had better days moodwise.  I feel broken and hopeless.

Mar. 8 Giveaways

THE ADVENTURES OF PAUL & NATALIE GIVEAWAYS
Horizon Organic Lowfat Chocolate Milk Giveaway
Win 4 Coupons from Horizon Milk (2 for a FREE Half Gallon of Lowfat Organic Chocolate Milk with DHA Omega-3 and 2 Coupons for $1 off a Half Gallon of the same Milk) - 2 Winners Giveaway at The Adventures of Paul & Natalie Ends 3/25


MagnaPods Organizers Giveaway
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Olay Total Effects Body Wash & $10 Gift Card to Walmart Giveaway
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Tallulah Jane Natural Perfumery Giveaway
One Grand Prize Winner will receive a Tallulah Jane Gift Set in Winner's Choice of Scent (Body Oil & Perfume) {ARV $78} & 3 Winners will receive Mini Roller Ball Perfumes & Sample Vials of Body Oil Giveaway at Leslie Loves Veggies Ends 3/23 

Cooking with All Things Trader Joe's Cook Book Set Giveaway
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SIMPLY STACIE GIVEAWAYS
Bella Materna Nursing Cami Giveaway
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SkinFix Giveaway
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We Love Colors Socks Giveaway
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Barney Egg-Cellent Adventures DVD Giveaway
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Ecozip Bags Giveaway
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Herbasway Antioxidant Beauty Drinks Giveaway
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Mar. 7 Giveaways!

JUST ANOTHER NEW BLOG GIVEAWAYS
EvoraPlus Mints Giveaway
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Jordan by Susan Kearney Book Giveaway
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Corked by Kathryn Borel Book Giveaway
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Joyful Girl Natural $25 Gift Certificate Giveaway
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Sweet Leaf Bath Co. Giveaway
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To Sin with a Scoundrel by Cara Elliot Book Giveaway
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Tropical Traditions Glass & Surface Cleaner Giveaway
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LESLIE LOVES VEGGIES GIVEAWAYS
Fibers.com Custom "I Heart ___" Shirt Giveaway ($25 Voucher)
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Baby U R Precious Washcloth Giveaway
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M.A.H. Creations $20 Gift Card Giveaway
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SproutBaby $25 Gift Certificate Giveaway
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The Art of Choosing by Sheena Iyengar Book Giveaway
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ChicoBag Messenger Bag Giveaway
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Belletare Beauty Gift Sets Giveaway
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The Journaling Jenius Giveaway
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Married on Mondays Book by HoneyB {Adult} Giveaway
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Artistic Sensations Fluffy Pink Lunch Bag Giveaway
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Mary's Gone Crackers - Organic Crackers/Cookies Giveaway
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Very Down & Depressed Tonight :(

Feeling very down tonight...it's going on 5 months since Kelley was laid off & he's put in nearly 100 applications with ZERO callbacks and some rejections So many applications are screened by computer first & it's just impossible to connect with a real person to get a leg up in many of these large companies. You wonder how many of his applications may have come across an actual human's eye. He is a highly skilled & smart person and wants to work desperately and no one will hire him!

I have been dealing with some postnasal drip/chest congestion off and on for the last month and that's not helped. I've lost weight despite cutting the amount of time I'm at the gym (mostly because I haven't felt like exercising with the congestion). I'm still eating OK, so it must be due to stress along with still breastfeeding. I haven't been doing weight lifting at the gym with being sick, and it's the weight lifting/protein diet that helps me keep my weight up. So I really need to get back on it. My weight is not horribly dangerous but it is low, and I know I'd feel better (have more energy if I gained back the 5 lb. or so I've lost).

Sorry for the poor me post...just need to vent a bit. I am depressed & anxious lately. I do have a visit with my psychiatrist scheduled later this month.

If you're religious, please pray for hubby & me. These are difficult times for him too, and I think he is feeling a lot of self-doubt & sense of failure because he hasn't gotten a job or at least an offer yet. The last 2 times he was laid off, he had another job within about 4 months.