Proud Booby Mama: 3 Years & Yes, I'm STILL Breastfeeding!

My ILs arrived today. MIL is going to help watch Tessa while we start the packing. It's an overwhelming process, just so much to do and of course, I'm depressed about leaving the house too. Moodwise, I'm still beating up on myself and down though having MIL here helps with watching Tessa already. Tessa is very high needs and while I had a bit of a routine where she'd play independently some while DH was working, since he's been laid off, he plays with her (or expects me to) all day and she no longer plays by herself (and she did precious little of that even when I watched her all day) plus she never naps now even though she desperately needs a nap. So it does help to have an extra pair of hands.

I had a pretty bad panic attack in the car earlier today, on the way home from lunch (I wasn't driving, thank God). I hate anxiety & depression

Tomorrow we start the packing.

I had another bad day today, found out hubby reserved the rental truck and we're leaving 2 weeks sooner than I thought. He did not consult me on the date, and last time we'd talked, we'd said we'd shoot for being out of the house by the end of May. Now I find the date is May 7. I'd thought there was a bit longer.

Thoughts I have are frightening me. I want to hurt myself (not serious hurt, but having thoughts of cutting again), am feeling hubby & daughter would be better off without me. It's because of them I'm not hurting myself or trying to kill myself, but I often feel I would be better off dead. Then I feel like I don't deserve either DH or my daughter. I'm a bad wife and mother, a bad person. I email my family (mom & sisters & tell them I'm having a hard time), no one comes to visit me, they don't visit me ever even though my mom lives about a 1.5 hr. drive away & one sis is around 30 min. away. They don't call either. No one, not even my mom (she is in her early 50s and in relative good health) and this makes me feel like I don't matter to any of them. I have no friends. My other sister has 2 young boys & I know they keep her very busy, but the youngest has no kids. Granted, I haven't called and reached out, but every time I do call my mom and try to open it, she tells my aunt and then I get long preachy emails from my aunt (her sister) that mean well but don't help a bit and make me feel like an even worse person. I am guilty of not reaching out to my sisters, but my daughter is 2.5 and she takes it out of me (she is very high needs, demands attention 24/7). Often, I'll mean to call and forget about it (my memory sucks lately). But couldn't they call me, even visit me when I'm hurting?

Everyone knows things were bad for me in college & grad school, I was in a psych hospital twice and had anorexia. Their silence hurts me even more. It's like I don't even matter to my own family.

I am having a really hard time this week. At least one panic attack each day, sometimes more, some days the anxiety is so bad, I don't trust myself to drive

Bob & Linda (ILs) will be setting out here this week, and then we'll begin the packing process. I'm very depressed (not going to harm myself or anything, but not happy at all and if I should die tomorrow, I'm not sure I'd really care, which scares me because this is the attitude I had when I swallowed a handful of meds (more than prescribed) in college and woke up over 24 hrs. later in a pile of my own vomit, lucky I hadn't killed myself - I was not trying to kill myself then, but just to go to sleep a bit - bad insomnia, over 36 hours and to stop having to think a bit), and now I find myself unable to really care if I live or die and unable to enjoy Tessa a lot of the time. I'm also just really tired (not sure if it's from stress, allergies (I've got some) or chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia. Not really 100% sure it is even fibromyalgia in the classic sense I've got, it's a lot of myofascial muscle pain which I think tons of doctors diagnose as fibro. for want of any other diagnosis. That's the diagnosis the rheumatologist gave me but there is no test for fibro., just an exclusion of other diseases like arthritis, lupus, etc. Some of it I still think might have come from the time I went off those medications I took while in college & grad. school (it brought on panic attacks, depersonalization (you can look it up on wikipedia for a definition), etc. Those never really have gone away since then though there have been good periods without them and bad periods with a lot of it.

No job offers for Kelley at all, not a single phone call. We are giving up hope

I have no idea what he's going to do now. It seems like you have better odds of winning the lottery than getting a decent job in this economy

At least, that's what it feels like to us

I'm just really in the dumps and don't know how I'll survive the packing or anything. I feel I've been a rotten mom to Tessa lately because I'm so tired and panicky

I just feel worthless and like if I was a better person, I'd have a career (now I have no job contacts in the career field and hated research anyway and realized I enjoyed teaching more but that would require certification, and when times are bad, I'm so panicky & anxious, I just am afraid to drive. I feel like I don't deserve either my husband or daughter and I'm a worthless person. I hate myself. I don't have any close friends except one in Maryland. In college, I was overprescribed on meds (6, 7, sometimes 8 psych. meds at once and going off them, I've felt just changed since)--even harder to get close to people (it was hard for me even before but worse now), often feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, just really down. I can't afford therapy with DH's job situation, and last time I went on the county mental health system, that was how I became a walking pharmacy. I do see my pschiatrist tomorrow. I just feel like I'm an awful person & terrible mom.

Sorry if this post doesn't make sense. Been having some attention probs. lately too.