Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Down, Down, Down...Just Everything Down Lately

It's been awhile since I've made a personal post, and that's been because I've been depressed.  Things have been down lately - my mood, my drive, my weight.  Sigh.  Next week, the ILs are coming, and we are to start packing up the house.  It makes me anxious just thinking about it.  I suppose this is a situation that would depress most people (hubby out of work so long), but it is especially bad when you are prone to anxiety & depression like I am.  I don't have many good days lately.  My mood is hollow, sometimes I think I depersonalize just to get through the day.  I usually have one panic attack a day at least.  My weight is down.  I don't look that bad thanks to the muscle I still have from weight lifting, but I can tell I am too thin.  I was under 100 lb. this morning on the scale :(  Part of it may be that I am taking Claritin, and I think it has some decongestant in it and is drying me out.  I see the psychiatrist next week, and I hope & pray she doesn't ask me to stand on the scale because I know she'd freak at the number.  I do know below 101 lb. for my height is considered an anorexic BMI, and I am right there.  (And the darn ED voices shout, "Yay!" while I struggle and tell them to shut up.)  If I ever purge (and ha!, there's a funny choice of words!) myself of ED thoughts, it will be a miracle.  I have them more lately, I don't know if it's because of the situation or the weight (I've noticed in the past, if my weight gets low enough, it starts to have an effect on my thinking, or lack thereof!).  I've also noticed myself becoming a bit more obsessive in things, which also is a pattern with my depression and eating.

I don't know why I have to feel guilty for eating when I am hungry?!  Stupid, stupid, ED!  I do eat anyway, but I have some suspicion this panicky state I am in lately is burning more calories than I would otherwise.  There are times I have the thought I'm just functioning through one long, never-ending panic-attack of varying states.  Sigh.

It will be better once I get out of this limbo state, I think.  Please God, give me the strength to make it through the coming weeks.


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