Hurting...

I had another bad day today, found out hubby reserved the rental truck and we're leaving 2 weeks sooner than I thought. He did not consult me on the date, and last time we'd talked, we'd said we'd shoot for being out of the house by the end of May. Now I find the date is May 7. I'd thought there was a bit longer.

Thoughts I have are frightening me. I want to hurt myself (not serious hurt, but having thoughts of cutting again), am feeling hubby & daughter would be better off without me. It's because of them I'm not hurting myself or trying to kill myself, but I often feel I would be better off dead. Then I feel like I don't deserve either DH or my daughter. I'm a bad wife and mother, a bad person. I email my family (mom & sisters & tell them I'm having a hard time), no one comes to visit me, they don't visit me ever even though my mom lives about a 1.5 hr. drive away & one sis is around 30 min. away. They don't call either. No one, not even my mom (she is in her early 50s and in relative good health) and this makes me feel like I don't matter to any of them. I have no friends. My other sister has 2 young boys & I know they keep her very busy, but the youngest has no kids. Granted, I haven't called and reached out, but every time I do call my mom and try to open it, she tells my aunt and then I get long preachy emails from my aunt (her sister) that mean well but don't help a bit and make me feel like an even worse person. I am guilty of not reaching out to my sisters, but my daughter is 2.5 and she takes it out of me (she is very high needs, demands attention 24/7). Often, I'll mean to call and forget about it (my memory sucks lately). But couldn't they call me, even visit me when I'm hurting?

Everyone knows things were bad for me in college & grad school, I was in a psych hospital twice and had anorexia. Their silence hurts me even more. It's like I don't even matter to my own family.