Monday, April 19, 2010

A bad, bad day :(

I am having a really hard time this week. At least one panic attack each day, sometimes more, some days the anxiety is so bad, I don't trust myself to drive icon_sad.gif Bob & Linda (ILs) will be setting out here this week, and then we'll begin the packing process. I'm very depressed (not going to harm myself or anything, but not happy at all and if I should die tomorrow, I'm not sure I'd really care, which scares me because this is the attitude I had when I swallowed a handful of meds (more than prescribed) in college and woke up over 24 hrs. later in a pile of my own vomit, lucky I hadn't killed myself - I was not trying to kill myself then, but just to go to sleep a bit - bad insomnia, over 36 hours and to stop having to think a bit), and now I find myself unable to really care if I live or die and unable to enjoy Tessa a lot of the time. I'm also just really tired (not sure if it's from stress, allergies (I've got some) or chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia. Not really 100% sure it is even fibromyalgia in the classic sense I've got, it's a lot of myofascial muscle pain which I think tons of doctors diagnose as fibro. for want of any other diagnosis. That's the diagnosis the rheumatologist gave me but there is no test for fibro., just an exclusion of other diseases like arthritis, lupus, etc. Some of it I still think might have come from the time I went off those medications I took while in college & grad. school (it brought on panic attacks, depersonalization (you can look it up on wikipedia for a definition), etc. Those never really have gone away since then though there have been good periods without them and bad periods with a lot of it.

No job offers for Kelley at all, not a single phone call. We are giving up hope icon_sad.gif I have no idea what he's going to do now. It seems like you have better odds of winning the lottery than getting a decent job in this economy icon_sad.gif At least, that's what it feels like to us icon_sad.gif

I'm just really in the dumps and don't know how I'll survive the packing or anything. I feel I've been a rotten mom to Tessa lately because I'm so tired and panicky icon_sad.gif I just feel worthless and like if I was a better person, I'd have a career (now I have no job contacts in the career field and hated research anyway and realized I enjoyed teaching more but that would require certification, and when times are bad, I'm so panicky & anxious, I just am afraid to drive. I feel like I don't deserve either my husband or daughter and I'm a worthless person. I hate myself. I don't have any close friends except one in Maryland. In college, I was overprescribed on meds (6, 7, sometimes 8 psych. meds at once and going off them, I've felt just changed since)--even harder to get close to people (it was hard for me even before but worse now), often feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, just really down. I can't afford therapy with DH's job situation, and last time I went on the county mental health system, that was how I became a walking pharmacy. I do see my pschiatrist tomorrow. I just feel like I'm an awful person & terrible mom.

Sorry if this post doesn't make sense. Been having some attention probs. lately too. 

I spent most of today in tears & panic attacks :(  Not one of my better times.


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