Saturday, May 22, 2010

weight perceptions & thoughts on ED (eating disorder) recovery

 I've gotten to quite a low weight again, and while the logical part of my brain is shocked the ED part still says I'm not thin enough. But I've weighed everything between 80 lb. and 140 lb., and I have never felt 100% comfortable with my weight and always feel fat, no matter how thin I get.

I've gotten to a low weight recently but not from the ED more from anxiety & lack of real appetite...or maybe the ED in disguise. Thing is, the last go-round with the ED, I was actively trying to lose weight - restricting, overexercising, purging, laxatives, diuretics, etc., etc.

This time around it's none of the above. I know I tend to have a naturally fast metabolism when I exercise normally, and I do tend to fall into a weight range from 105-115 lb. while I'm healthy and eating normally. I'm not really exercising, but I'd say being a stay-at-home-mom to a 2.5 year old never-napping, very active toddler is quite a workout, not to mention all the cleaning & organization I've been doing lately. Still, I'm not trying to lose weight and am both horrified & amazed at my weight as I perceive myself to eat nearly normally (and hubby & other people - mom & sisters) do too.

But then...I ran across some pictures while cleaning, taken at around 95 lb. during my recovery the first time, and I realized I don't look that different now than I did then. Maybe I AM sick or maybe it really is the stress (hubby has been out of work since Halloween, we were fixing to have to move & lose the house when he got a job here). Even the first time around, I never really did stop eating and didn't eat as little as many anorexics (I probably ate around 1400 cal/day), it was more the overexercise that got my weight so low. Maybe it's the amount of activity vs. calories consumed thing again, maybe I'm burning more than I think?I don't know the point of this post really. Part of me wants to gain weight so I'll feel better, part of me is scared to.

I know recovery and/or weight gain is almost inevitable. I can't keep going around weighing this forever, it's too exhausting. But how the heck do you eat extra calories when you don't have an appetite for them at all? The last time with my ED, I was always hungry and had to distract myself from eating. This time around, I just don't have that much of an appetite and feel almost sick when I try to add extra calories in and I hate that feeling of having eaten almost so much, I feel ill physically. I don't know how many calories I eat each day, just that I add calories in with an extra snack like a protein shake between meals or extra items at a meal - i.e. banana instead of salad at a meal.

I know some of it is my thinking too. I do find it easier to get out of the ana mindset when my weight is not this low, ie, it's easier for me to think more logically about my weight when I'm at my natural set point weight (105-115 lb.). I just don't think I have it in me to do rock bottom all over again so I've got to make more of an effort to get my weight up.


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