Wednesday, March 17, 2010

somedays it's just hard :( weight & ED stuff unfortunately

I've been a bit down lately and not doing so well I guess.  We did get an unexpected windfall in that hubby's old company paid him the money they owed so even with his unemployment ending earlier than expected, we are now back on the original time table of packing at the end of April & early May and then putting the home on the market.  Even typing it just gives me butterflies in my stomach.  I had a psychiatrist appt. on Tuesday.  I must have sounded bad on the phone when I called because the doc worked me in after 5 when she normally closes.  She gave me an increase in Xanax but I was hoping she might do something with the depression meds.

Yes, I'm depressed.  In this situation, who wouldn't be?  Guess I wasn't entirely straightforward with the doc; if she knew my weight, she would have been upset.  I've been losing weight, not through trying so much as being ambivalent about it and not having much appetite.  Before, when I had the ED, I was always ravenous, had a raging appetite, but now, I just feel like I'll be physically sick if I eat an amount that is generally what I would have eaten before all this started.  I haven't been good about keeping up with weight lifting (that helps my appetite, keeps my muscle tone).  It's why, while I look thin right now, I don't look emaicated...I weighed 99 lb. this morning :(  Not good, not good.  Been taking days off from the gym as I'm half scared I might get banned altogether if I lose any more weight and that is my only form of stress relief.  The weight loss is beginning to scare me.  I'm not not eating and I'm eating decently though probably not enough for still breastfeeding Tessa (she's been nursing a lot again lately).  I know my weight isn't good, but some days I'm ambivalent of it.  One second, I'll want to gain, the other, to stay the same.  Darn ED thinking.  I'm tired.  This weight loss ages me too and uses up valuable energy.  I really must turn it around.  So hard when the anxiety really is playing havoc on my appetite.  I'm on a precipice.  I definitely don't want to fall back into the ED.  I've had nearly 10 years in a good strong recovery and I'm damned if I'll give into the temptation now. 

I need to be firm with myself, but gentle too.  Maybe put the darn scale away would be a good start.  I was happy & healthy and looked darn good at 110 lb.  Why did my husband have to lose his job and be unable to find work?

I know I need to do something.  I need to eat more, exercise less & lift weights again, drink the darn protein shakes & eat the protein bars.

EDs suck.  I am not going there again.


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