Saturday, March 27, 2010

Panic attacks & the pull of the darn ED...

You think you beat something (or at least have some control over it), such as an ED and then, nearly a decade later, the darn thing starts taunting you back.  I'm not engaging in ED behaviors, but I feel the lure of the ED stronger than ever.  I guess because it was a coping mechanism for me once, and things are hard right now, facing moving out of our house, living with the inlaws, tons of packing, etc., etc.  My weight is low.  Not gaining, not losing, but I don't weigh nearly enough, and I think I might fall right at that boundary of low underweight/anorexic BMI...sigh.  I need to gain weight but I'm too anxious to snack and generally not hungry.  Part of me wants to gain weight, part of me wants to stay here.  Can I just say EDs (and their remnants suck?!).  I'm not as bad off as I was the first time around, nutritionally at least as I got my period again today (when I was purposefully starving, I stopped getting it around 105 lb. and it didn't come back again until I was over that).  I am still breastfeeding Tessa too, which I know is a drain on my resources, along with taking care of her.

Panic attacks...I've been having them a lot lately.  I guess on the bright side, I've survived so many of them, I know nothing bad will really happen to me and keep having to tell myself to breathe normally, I AM getting enough air.  Every day I have at least one.  It's been especially bad this week, probably not helped by the hormone shift brought on by my period.

I wish I could afford therapy, but I can't and no way am I going into the Harris County MHMRA (Mental Health & Mental Retardation) Program again...that is what messed me up years ago when I was in college & grad school (my parents were uninsured).  The MHMRA put me on so many drugs, and I was so doped up, I felt like I lost myself.  Their general operating policy seemed to be just dope everyone up, oh and get them hooked on the good stuff, the stuff that's hell to get off of like Klonopin & Xanax.  There was a long span of time (about 5 years) I was on upwards of 7-8 psychiatric meds at once, and because I was young and thought the doctors knew best & just wanted to feel better, I took them.  I haven't been the same since then.  It's almost like those meds changed something about my psyche, my personality, the way I operate.  Even off the meds, I never have been the way I used to be in high school, and I don't think it's just age & experiences doing it.  It's hard to put my finger on.

So my week hasn't been great...I even caught myself searching the internet for pro-ana songs again (sigh, sigh, sigh, bad, bad, BAD!!!).  I didn't download any, but the pull is strong.  Made myself go to the WeBiteBack post-pro-ana forum and searched for recovery oriented songs instead.


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