Thursday, February 4, 2010

ugh, just feel like an awful AP parent today :(

Ugh, I feel like the worst mother in the world today. Things are stressful at home, DH has been out of work since Halloween and no prospects of a new job, not an interview even. I've been run down and haven't been able to keep up my weight lifting routine and high protein diet - got sick with bronchitis for 2 weeks then lost the motivation after that. Without that, I get drained while nursing and lose weight, even though DD is 2 yr. old now (she still nurses quite a lot for 2, it feels like). I weigh around 100 lb. now (I am 5'4" tall so that is quite underweight). I always feel blah when my weight falls below 105 lb. (Yes, the old ED voices are happy about this, but I'm not going to give into them.  I put the scale away today because it's causing those feelings of worth attached to a number to come crawling back.)  Logically, I know this is not good, but I'll gain the weight back; I got down this low right around Tessa's first birthday, and that's when I started the weight lifting/high protein routine, and that got my weight up to around 108 lb. or so.  So I HAVE to start lifting weights seriously AND eating more protein (whey protein shakes again after working out...sigh...I could think of a million tastier things to eat but those are just the most convenient).

This afternoon, I just snapped with Tessa (25 months & extremely high needs). She would not nap even though she clearly needed it, she just fought and fought and fought, started doing things like scratching at me, pulling my hair, twiddling with the boobies. I was getting madder & madder & talking to her in sterner tones (I didn't yell but it still made me feel cruel) because I just needed a break. Finally, I told Tessa if she didn't behave, I'd leave her in the room and she'd have to fall asleep on her own (we have never even attempted CIO with her but I needed to leave before I started screaming at her and calm down). I left and shut the door and stayed out 5 minutes while she screamed and screamed, but then I couldn't take it any more (felt awful & guilty) and went back in to her, but she didn't sleep. I just put on a Baby Einstein video and started folding laundry and gave up on the nap, and by some miracle, she's watching it and reading books (probably because she needs to have a poopy diaper--she NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER plays alone by herself unless she's working on a poopy). It gets tiresome, playing Little People for hours on end or jumping from one thing to another because her attention span gets shorter & shorter the more sleepy she gets. But then, it doesn't seem right to give in to DD's stubbornness and demands and it seems inconsistent if I want her to nap and then cave in to her.

I've had a rough day, not helped by the fact that I'm so sore from lifting weights yesterday (first time I've done a serious weight lifting routine in about a month).  I overdid it obviously, and my body is protesting, especially my behind!


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