Proud Booby Mama: 3 Years & Yes, I'm STILL Breastfeeding!

My ILs arrived today. MIL is going to help watch Tessa while we start the packing. It's an overwhelming process, just so much to do and of course, I'm depressed about leaving the house too. Moodwise, I'm still beating up on myself and down though having MIL here helps with watching Tessa already. Tessa is very high needs and while I had a bit of a routine where she'd play independently some while DH was working, since he's been laid off, he plays with her (or expects me to) all day and she no longer plays by herself (and she did precious little of that even when I watched her all day) plus she never naps now even though she desperately needs a nap. So it does help to have an extra pair of hands.

I had a pretty bad panic attack in the car earlier today, on the way home from lunch (I wasn't driving, thank God). I hate anxiety & depression

Tomorrow we start the packing.

I had another bad day today, found out hubby reserved the rental truck and we're leaving 2 weeks sooner than I thought. He did not consult me on the date, and last time we'd talked, we'd said we'd shoot for being out of the house by the end of May. Now I find the date is May 7. I'd thought there was a bit longer.

Thoughts I have are frightening me. I want to hurt myself (not serious hurt, but having thoughts of cutting again), am feeling hubby & daughter would be better off without me. It's because of them I'm not hurting myself or trying to kill myself, but I often feel I would be better off dead. Then I feel like I don't deserve either DH or my daughter. I'm a bad wife and mother, a bad person. I email my family (mom & sisters & tell them I'm having a hard time), no one comes to visit me, they don't visit me ever even though my mom lives about a 1.5 hr. drive away & one sis is around 30 min. away. They don't call either. No one, not even my mom (she is in her early 50s and in relative good health) and this makes me feel like I don't matter to any of them. I have no friends. My other sister has 2 young boys & I know they keep her very busy, but the youngest has no kids. Granted, I haven't called and reached out, but every time I do call my mom and try to open it, she tells my aunt and then I get long preachy emails from my aunt (her sister) that mean well but don't help a bit and make me feel like an even worse person. I am guilty of not reaching out to my sisters, but my daughter is 2.5 and she takes it out of me (she is very high needs, demands attention 24/7). Often, I'll mean to call and forget about it (my memory sucks lately). But couldn't they call me, even visit me when I'm hurting?

Everyone knows things were bad for me in college & grad school, I was in a psych hospital twice and had anorexia. Their silence hurts me even more. It's like I don't even matter to my own family.