Bloodwork & urine came back from the doctors already and it's not my thyroid affecting my weight and other things she tested (electrolytes, etc.) looked OK. I had to have a chest x-ray too (doc concerned about lingering chest congestion and wanted to be sure it's not walking pneumonia- it's not, just postnasal allergy congestion draining into the bronchial tubes). Seems that doc visit was pointless. There was a time when I would have been celebrating weighing 95 lb., and the irony is, the last time I weighed this little, I had to exercise 4-5 hr. daily and eat very little. Now I eat a lot and have stopped going to the gym until my weight is up some and am supplementing with protein shakes and still can't gain weight.
My doctor did say it could be the medication I'm on (it's regarded as weight neutral, which I guess means as many people lose weight on it as gain) or the breastfeeding affecting my weight. I swear, sometimes I eat more than hubby and still can't gain weight. I'm not going back to working out until I get my weight up a bit. It's draining me, and I don't have the energy to do the things I'd like to do with my daughter. Plus, walking at the gym was a HUGE stress reliever for me. I don't know. I may ask my pdoc about changing meds to something else but all the SSRIs tend to make me very, very drowsy. It would be even more stressful for me if I weaned my daughter before she was ready. Something has to give though.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
ugh, just feel like an awful AP parent today :(
Ugh, I feel like the worst mother in the world today. Things are stressful at home, DH has been out of work since Halloween and no prospects of a new job, not an interview even. I've been run down and haven't been able to keep up my weight lifting routine and high protein diet - got sick with bronchitis for 2 weeks then lost the motivation after that. Without that, I get drained while nursing and lose weight, even though DD is 2 yr. old now (she still nurses quite a lot for 2, it feels like). I weigh around 100 lb. now (I am 5'4" tall so that is quite underweight). I always feel blah when my weight falls below 105 lb. (Yes, the old ED voices are happy about this, but I'm not going to give into them. I put the scale away today because it's causing those feelings of worth attached to a number to come crawling back.) Logically, I know this is not good, but I'll gain the weight back; I got down this low right around Tessa's first birthday, and that's when I started the weight lifting/high protein routine, and that got my weight up to around 108 lb. or so. So I HAVE to start lifting weights seriously AND eating more protein (whey protein shakes again after working out...sigh...I could think of a million tastier things to eat but those are just the most convenient).
This afternoon, I just snapped with Tessa (25 months & extremely high needs). She would not nap even though she clearly needed it, she just fought and fought and fought, started doing things like scratching at me, pulling my hair, twiddling with the boobies. I was getting madder & madder & talking to her in sterner tones (I didn't yell but it still made me feel cruel) because I just needed a break. Finally, I told Tessa if she didn't behave, I'd leave her in the room and she'd have to fall asleep on her own (we have never even attempted CIO with her but I needed to leave before I started screaming at her and calm down). I left and shut the door and stayed out 5 minutes while she screamed and screamed, but then I couldn't take it any more (felt awful & guilty) and went back in to her, but she didn't sleep. I just put on a Baby Einstein video and started folding laundry and gave up on the nap, and by some miracle, she's watching it and reading books (probably because she needs to have a poopy diaper--she NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER plays alone by herself unless she's working on a poopy). It gets tiresome, playing Little People for hours on end or jumping from one thing to another because her attention span gets shorter & shorter the more sleepy she gets. But then, it doesn't seem right to give in to DD's stubbornness and demands and it seems inconsistent if I want her to nap and then cave in to her.
I've had a rough day, not helped by the fact that I'm so sore from lifting weights yesterday (first time I've done a serious weight lifting routine in about a month). I overdid it obviously, and my body is protesting, especially my behind!
This afternoon, I just snapped with Tessa (25 months & extremely high needs). She would not nap even though she clearly needed it, she just fought and fought and fought, started doing things like scratching at me, pulling my hair, twiddling with the boobies. I was getting madder & madder & talking to her in sterner tones (I didn't yell but it still made me feel cruel) because I just needed a break. Finally, I told Tessa if she didn't behave, I'd leave her in the room and she'd have to fall asleep on her own (we have never even attempted CIO with her but I needed to leave before I started screaming at her and calm down). I left and shut the door and stayed out 5 minutes while she screamed and screamed, but then I couldn't take it any more (felt awful & guilty) and went back in to her, but she didn't sleep. I just put on a Baby Einstein video and started folding laundry and gave up on the nap, and by some miracle, she's watching it and reading books (probably because she needs to have a poopy diaper--she NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER plays alone by herself unless she's working on a poopy). It gets tiresome, playing Little People for hours on end or jumping from one thing to another because her attention span gets shorter & shorter the more sleepy she gets. But then, it doesn't seem right to give in to DD's stubbornness and demands and it seems inconsistent if I want her to nap and then cave in to her.
I've had a rough day, not helped by the fact that I'm so sore from lifting weights yesterday (first time I've done a serious weight lifting routine in about a month). I overdid it obviously, and my body is protesting, especially my behind!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Anorexia and Eating Disorders...sigh
I might have mentioned I suffered from anorexia and compulsive exercise while in college and a bit afterwards for 4 or 5 years. I have been recovered (at least in actions and sometimes in thoughts) for going on 8 years or more now, but some of the ED thoughts just don't go peacefully, like guilt after eating a high calorie food, feeling down on myself for gaining weight (even if it's likely water weight) a need to exercise most days (but not a fraction of what I used to do). I do have some hard times coming to grips with the body I get with weight lifting--broader shoulders and quads hence pants and shirts don't fit and I do feel "fat". At my worst, I weighed around 80 lb. (I'm 5'4" tall) and was exercising (mostly running) 4-5 HOURS a day. It's a wonder I didn't kill myself though I did eventually confess to my mom I was having problems via email. I so wished I could unsend that message the minute I sent it but it did start me at least going to see people would could help (it was awhile before I actually did decide to recover and not just pretend to be recovering--I found the prospect of change & gaining weight just overwhelming).
I didn't mean for this post to go into my past. I used to post on several ED boards (both pro-ED and later pro-recovery boards and still do from time to time post on We Bite Back as livingtx thought it's been awhile since I've been there. Sometimes even good boards can be triggering and other times I'm doing so well ED wise I really have no need of the boards. I'll try to write out more of my ED story later and maybe get some pictures uploaded. (This is a new laptop and my photos are all on my old desktop computer.)
Anyway, there are times I'll be going along in life just fine then suddenly--BAM! out of the blue I get jolted back to those memories and that period of my life (for me, recovery from the ED was the hardest thing I've done so far--harder than getting my master's degree in Cell & Molecular Biology harder than giving birth, harder than breastfeeding my daughter for 2 years, harder than being a mom, even--at least as yet I have no doubt things will get more challenging with Tessa in the future). Usually, the trigger for me is seeing someone with an obvious ED. Sometimes I can just look at a person and know they have an ED (especially with anorexia, as was the case today). I was in Barnes & Noble (we go there to the Kid's section to read books and for Tessa to play with the Thomas the Train table) and one of the employees near us had an obvious ED. Well, I'm about 99% certain she did. I suppose there's the slight chance it could be something else but she had all the signs--painfully thin, a hollow gaunt face (this I find is the most telling sign), bad front teeth (often a result of insufficient nutrition & acid damage from purging) and was chewing gum (even now I find myself struggling to break free of the constant gum chewing that went with my ED, a way to try to "trick" yourself into thinking you're eating). I couldn't place her age exactly but I'd guess she was probably somewhere in her 20s. The awful thinness makes people look so much older in the face than they actually are. In pictures when I was in my early twenties, I could have easily been in my 40s looking at my face. As always when I come upon these people by chance, I wish I could help, say something to them, tell them I understand what it's like. But I never do. There is always the small chance I could have misjudged (though I doubt it) and anyway it would be an intrusion and not something they would want to hear unless they are open to help. I felt pity for her, unlike in my past where I would see a person with an ED and just wish I were as thin as she. After I leave, I always feel some guilt for not just saying "Here's my number. Here's my email. Call me if you want to talk. I know what you are going through." ED's are very isolating and friends and family tend to get pushed away. I never felt so lonely as I did at that stage of my life and it would have been nice to have someone who really understood to talk too and who was far enough into recovery that it wouldn't set them back or turn into a competition as to who is the best anorexic (nearly all ED sufferers wish to be anorexic, I've found, very few wish to be bulimic or perceived as bulimic). I know I talked to many therapists and shrinks but I didn't truly connect with anyone until I met up with a group of dieticians in Houston (The Healthy Weigh), run by Caryn Honig who had recovered from an ED herself and the dietician I worked with said she'd never been diagnosed as an ED patient but had many of the signs and was just this side of it before she turned things around. Then, I felt like I was finally talking to people who helped and really understood. By the way, Caryn was great and negotiated a pay what I could afford plan since I was in graduate school at the time and didn't have much in the way of income.
That's some of my ED story, I guess, more another time but thought I would write on the subject since it was revelant to what happened today.
I didn't mean for this post to go into my past. I used to post on several ED boards (both pro-ED and later pro-recovery boards and still do from time to time post on We Bite Back as livingtx thought it's been awhile since I've been there. Sometimes even good boards can be triggering and other times I'm doing so well ED wise I really have no need of the boards. I'll try to write out more of my ED story later and maybe get some pictures uploaded. (This is a new laptop and my photos are all on my old desktop computer.)
Anyway, there are times I'll be going along in life just fine then suddenly--BAM! out of the blue I get jolted back to those memories and that period of my life (for me, recovery from the ED was the hardest thing I've done so far--harder than getting my master's degree in Cell & Molecular Biology harder than giving birth, harder than breastfeeding my daughter for 2 years, harder than being a mom, even--at least as yet I have no doubt things will get more challenging with Tessa in the future). Usually, the trigger for me is seeing someone with an obvious ED. Sometimes I can just look at a person and know they have an ED (especially with anorexia, as was the case today). I was in Barnes & Noble (we go there to the Kid's section to read books and for Tessa to play with the Thomas the Train table) and one of the employees near us had an obvious ED. Well, I'm about 99% certain she did. I suppose there's the slight chance it could be something else but she had all the signs--painfully thin, a hollow gaunt face (this I find is the most telling sign), bad front teeth (often a result of insufficient nutrition & acid damage from purging) and was chewing gum (even now I find myself struggling to break free of the constant gum chewing that went with my ED, a way to try to "trick" yourself into thinking you're eating). I couldn't place her age exactly but I'd guess she was probably somewhere in her 20s. The awful thinness makes people look so much older in the face than they actually are. In pictures when I was in my early twenties, I could have easily been in my 40s looking at my face. As always when I come upon these people by chance, I wish I could help, say something to them, tell them I understand what it's like. But I never do. There is always the small chance I could have misjudged (though I doubt it) and anyway it would be an intrusion and not something they would want to hear unless they are open to help. I felt pity for her, unlike in my past where I would see a person with an ED and just wish I were as thin as she. After I leave, I always feel some guilt for not just saying "Here's my number. Here's my email. Call me if you want to talk. I know what you are going through." ED's are very isolating and friends and family tend to get pushed away. I never felt so lonely as I did at that stage of my life and it would have been nice to have someone who really understood to talk too and who was far enough into recovery that it wouldn't set them back or turn into a competition as to who is the best anorexic (nearly all ED sufferers wish to be anorexic, I've found, very few wish to be bulimic or perceived as bulimic). I know I talked to many therapists and shrinks but I didn't truly connect with anyone until I met up with a group of dieticians in Houston (The Healthy Weigh), run by Caryn Honig who had recovered from an ED herself and the dietician I worked with said she'd never been diagnosed as an ED patient but had many of the signs and was just this side of it before she turned things around. Then, I felt like I was finally talking to people who helped and really understood. By the way, Caryn was great and negotiated a pay what I could afford plan since I was in graduate school at the time and didn't have much in the way of income.
That's some of my ED story, I guess, more another time but thought I would write on the subject since it was revelant to what happened today.
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