Bloodwork & urine came back from the doctors already and it's not my thyroid affecting my weight and other things she tested (electrolytes, etc.) looked OK. I had to have a chest x-ray too (doc concerned about lingering chest congestion and wanted to be sure it's not walking pneumonia- it's not, just postnasal allergy congestion draining into the bronchial tubes). Seems that doc visit was pointless. There was a time when I would have been celebrating weighing 95 lb., and the irony is, the last time I weighed this little, I had to exercise 4-5 hr. daily and eat very little. Now I eat a lot and have stopped going to the gym until my weight is up some and am supplementing with protein shakes and still can't gain weight.
My doctor did say it could be the medication I'm on (it's regarded as weight neutral, which I guess means as many people lose weight on it as gain) or the breastfeeding affecting my weight. I swear, sometimes I eat more than hubby and still can't gain weight. I'm not going back to working out until I get my weight up a bit. It's draining me, and I don't have the energy to do the things I'd like to do with my daughter. Plus, walking at the gym was a HUGE stress reliever for me. I don't know. I may ask my pdoc about changing meds to something else but all the SSRIs tend to make me very, very drowsy. It would be even more stressful for me if I weaned my daughter before she was ready. Something has to give though.
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Friday, August 13, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
OMG, they have a song now!
I haven't done much blogging lately because I've been sick. We all have. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and got an antibiotic but it upset my stomach, and I was throwing up this afternoon. Hence, I've entered a lot of blog contests of late to keep my mind off that and the fact that my husband still has not found a job, not even a hint of one, no interviews or phone calls even. But that's another post. On the subject of doctor's visits, it does get frustrating when doctors tend to stereotype you due to a past you've had with, say, an eating disorder and depression. Probably 4 or 5 times during a less than 15 minute doctor appt., my doctor had to comment about EDs flaring up under stress, am I eating, etc., etc. I do weigh about 5 lb. less than when I last saw her, and I am underweight, but it's not an ED thing. Or not totally. I would gain weight if I stopped exercising and going to the gym, but I don't exercise to burn off calories any more or to lose weight, mainly it's a mental thing with me (helps with anxiety & stress). Actually, I wanted to point out to my doctor that though I am underweight, I have good muscle definition in my back, arms & legs, which I definitely wouldn't have if I weren't eating. So...
Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post. The subject of this post was supposed to be about a song--a song about my boobies. Yeah, the other day, Tessa & Kelley (hubby) were goofing off and first she wanted him to sing a song about Tinkerbell (she was playing with her Tinkerbell doll) and he made up a little ditty. She liked that then decided she wanted a song about boobies (since the Tinkerbell doll has boobs)! And Kelley made one up! Of course, Tessa thought it was funny & had him sing it again and again and requested it again today. Anyway, here is my booby song:
Boobies, boobies, boobies
They're the friends in Mommy's shirt
Boobies, boobies, boobies,
Whip them out and get a squirt!
I already dread having Tessa break out into this song in the grocery store or someplace else. I wanted to throttle Kelley, but Tessa was so cute giggling and get all hysterical over the song. What can you do but laugh?
Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post. The subject of this post was supposed to be about a song--a song about my boobies. Yeah, the other day, Tessa & Kelley (hubby) were goofing off and first she wanted him to sing a song about Tinkerbell (she was playing with her Tinkerbell doll) and he made up a little ditty. She liked that then decided she wanted a song about boobies (since the Tinkerbell doll has boobs)! And Kelley made one up! Of course, Tessa thought it was funny & had him sing it again and again and requested it again today. Anyway, here is my booby song:
Boobies, boobies, boobies
They're the friends in Mommy's shirt
Boobies, boobies, boobies,
Whip them out and get a squirt!
I already dread having Tessa break out into this song in the grocery store or someplace else. I wanted to throttle Kelley, but Tessa was so cute giggling and get all hysterical over the song. What can you do but laugh?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Anorexia and Eating Disorders...sigh
I might have mentioned I suffered from anorexia and compulsive exercise while in college and a bit afterwards for 4 or 5 years. I have been recovered (at least in actions and sometimes in thoughts) for going on 8 years or more now, but some of the ED thoughts just don't go peacefully, like guilt after eating a high calorie food, feeling down on myself for gaining weight (even if it's likely water weight) a need to exercise most days (but not a fraction of what I used to do). I do have some hard times coming to grips with the body I get with weight lifting--broader shoulders and quads hence pants and shirts don't fit and I do feel "fat". At my worst, I weighed around 80 lb. (I'm 5'4" tall) and was exercising (mostly running) 4-5 HOURS a day. It's a wonder I didn't kill myself though I did eventually confess to my mom I was having problems via email. I so wished I could unsend that message the minute I sent it but it did start me at least going to see people would could help (it was awhile before I actually did decide to recover and not just pretend to be recovering--I found the prospect of change & gaining weight just overwhelming).
I didn't mean for this post to go into my past. I used to post on several ED boards (both pro-ED and later pro-recovery boards and still do from time to time post on We Bite Back as livingtx thought it's been awhile since I've been there. Sometimes even good boards can be triggering and other times I'm doing so well ED wise I really have no need of the boards. I'll try to write out more of my ED story later and maybe get some pictures uploaded. (This is a new laptop and my photos are all on my old desktop computer.)
Anyway, there are times I'll be going along in life just fine then suddenly--BAM! out of the blue I get jolted back to those memories and that period of my life (for me, recovery from the ED was the hardest thing I've done so far--harder than getting my master's degree in Cell & Molecular Biology harder than giving birth, harder than breastfeeding my daughter for 2 years, harder than being a mom, even--at least as yet I have no doubt things will get more challenging with Tessa in the future). Usually, the trigger for me is seeing someone with an obvious ED. Sometimes I can just look at a person and know they have an ED (especially with anorexia, as was the case today). I was in Barnes & Noble (we go there to the Kid's section to read books and for Tessa to play with the Thomas the Train table) and one of the employees near us had an obvious ED. Well, I'm about 99% certain she did. I suppose there's the slight chance it could be something else but she had all the signs--painfully thin, a hollow gaunt face (this I find is the most telling sign), bad front teeth (often a result of insufficient nutrition & acid damage from purging) and was chewing gum (even now I find myself struggling to break free of the constant gum chewing that went with my ED, a way to try to "trick" yourself into thinking you're eating). I couldn't place her age exactly but I'd guess she was probably somewhere in her 20s. The awful thinness makes people look so much older in the face than they actually are. In pictures when I was in my early twenties, I could have easily been in my 40s looking at my face. As always when I come upon these people by chance, I wish I could help, say something to them, tell them I understand what it's like. But I never do. There is always the small chance I could have misjudged (though I doubt it) and anyway it would be an intrusion and not something they would want to hear unless they are open to help. I felt pity for her, unlike in my past where I would see a person with an ED and just wish I were as thin as she. After I leave, I always feel some guilt for not just saying "Here's my number. Here's my email. Call me if you want to talk. I know what you are going through." ED's are very isolating and friends and family tend to get pushed away. I never felt so lonely as I did at that stage of my life and it would have been nice to have someone who really understood to talk too and who was far enough into recovery that it wouldn't set them back or turn into a competition as to who is the best anorexic (nearly all ED sufferers wish to be anorexic, I've found, very few wish to be bulimic or perceived as bulimic). I know I talked to many therapists and shrinks but I didn't truly connect with anyone until I met up with a group of dieticians in Houston (The Healthy Weigh), run by Caryn Honig who had recovered from an ED herself and the dietician I worked with said she'd never been diagnosed as an ED patient but had many of the signs and was just this side of it before she turned things around. Then, I felt like I was finally talking to people who helped and really understood. By the way, Caryn was great and negotiated a pay what I could afford plan since I was in graduate school at the time and didn't have much in the way of income.
That's some of my ED story, I guess, more another time but thought I would write on the subject since it was revelant to what happened today.
I didn't mean for this post to go into my past. I used to post on several ED boards (both pro-ED and later pro-recovery boards and still do from time to time post on We Bite Back as livingtx thought it's been awhile since I've been there. Sometimes even good boards can be triggering and other times I'm doing so well ED wise I really have no need of the boards. I'll try to write out more of my ED story later and maybe get some pictures uploaded. (This is a new laptop and my photos are all on my old desktop computer.)
Anyway, there are times I'll be going along in life just fine then suddenly--BAM! out of the blue I get jolted back to those memories and that period of my life (for me, recovery from the ED was the hardest thing I've done so far--harder than getting my master's degree in Cell & Molecular Biology harder than giving birth, harder than breastfeeding my daughter for 2 years, harder than being a mom, even--at least as yet I have no doubt things will get more challenging with Tessa in the future). Usually, the trigger for me is seeing someone with an obvious ED. Sometimes I can just look at a person and know they have an ED (especially with anorexia, as was the case today). I was in Barnes & Noble (we go there to the Kid's section to read books and for Tessa to play with the Thomas the Train table) and one of the employees near us had an obvious ED. Well, I'm about 99% certain she did. I suppose there's the slight chance it could be something else but she had all the signs--painfully thin, a hollow gaunt face (this I find is the most telling sign), bad front teeth (often a result of insufficient nutrition & acid damage from purging) and was chewing gum (even now I find myself struggling to break free of the constant gum chewing that went with my ED, a way to try to "trick" yourself into thinking you're eating). I couldn't place her age exactly but I'd guess she was probably somewhere in her 20s. The awful thinness makes people look so much older in the face than they actually are. In pictures when I was in my early twenties, I could have easily been in my 40s looking at my face. As always when I come upon these people by chance, I wish I could help, say something to them, tell them I understand what it's like. But I never do. There is always the small chance I could have misjudged (though I doubt it) and anyway it would be an intrusion and not something they would want to hear unless they are open to help. I felt pity for her, unlike in my past where I would see a person with an ED and just wish I were as thin as she. After I leave, I always feel some guilt for not just saying "Here's my number. Here's my email. Call me if you want to talk. I know what you are going through." ED's are very isolating and friends and family tend to get pushed away. I never felt so lonely as I did at that stage of my life and it would have been nice to have someone who really understood to talk too and who was far enough into recovery that it wouldn't set them back or turn into a competition as to who is the best anorexic (nearly all ED sufferers wish to be anorexic, I've found, very few wish to be bulimic or perceived as bulimic). I know I talked to many therapists and shrinks but I didn't truly connect with anyone until I met up with a group of dieticians in Houston (The Healthy Weigh), run by Caryn Honig who had recovered from an ED herself and the dietician I worked with said she'd never been diagnosed as an ED patient but had many of the signs and was just this side of it before she turned things around. Then, I felt like I was finally talking to people who helped and really understood. By the way, Caryn was great and negotiated a pay what I could afford plan since I was in graduate school at the time and didn't have much in the way of income.
That's some of my ED story, I guess, more another time but thought I would write on the subject since it was revelant to what happened today.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
An intro
My name is Cheryl Bradley. I'm 32 years old and live in Texas. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, Tessa, and have been married for 5 years to my husband. Since she was born in Dec. 2007, I have been breastfeeding Tessa, and she is still nursing today at 2. While extended breastfeeding is not common in the U.S., the WHO actually recommends that moms breastfeed for a minimum of 2 years. My plan now is to let Tessa self-wean when she is ready. I had no major issues with breastfeeding my daughter such as problems with sore nipples or latch issues, but even so, in the beginning, I thought there was no way I'd make it 2 months, much less 2 years. I am SO proud of us for making it to our 2 year breastfeeding anniversary. But I do hate that the majority of the people in the U.S. seem to view extended breastfeeding as "weird".
If you know me from other sites, you'd know I also have dealt with postpartum depression (PPD) and anxiety & panic disorder and years ago now, an eating disorder (anorexia and compulsive exercise) while I was in college. At my worst, I did weigh around 80 lb. I am 5'4" tall so that was very underweight. The ED is more or less under control now and my weight has been stable for years, ranging from around 105-115 lb. (when I wasn't pregnant). I don't know that I'll ever be 100% free of the ED thoughts, but I do much better with them, and behavior-wise, I'd consider myself recovered from the ED for around 8 years now. The anxiety and panic issue as well as the PPD is another matter, though. Currently, I take Cymbalta and Xanax as needed for panic attacks & the depression and Trazodone for sleep.
Shortly before Halloween, my husband was laid off from his job (financial problems at his company). He is a Ph.D. physical chemist, and despite the fact that he earned his Ph.D. at Rice University in Houston under a Nobel Prize winning professor (Dr. Rick Smalley, now deceased), he has a hard time finding work. He contracted for Johnson Space Center (JSC) for awhile, but cutbacks at NASA forced a lay off there as well. I don't know what we're going to do this time, with a toddler. We may have to move in with my inlaws in Southern California if he doesn't find a job soon. I have a master's degree in microbiology from the University of Houston but have been out of the work force some years and am currently a SAHM, so the only income we have right now is his unemployment and money we can beg off his folks. I really hate this limbo state of affairs, and it's not doing my anxiety disorder any good, that's for sure!
I'm not sure exactly what this blog is going to be like--a little about parenting, about breastfeeding, mental health issues, current happenings in my life, whatever strikes my fancy.
If you know me from other sites, you'd know I also have dealt with postpartum depression (PPD) and anxiety & panic disorder and years ago now, an eating disorder (anorexia and compulsive exercise) while I was in college. At my worst, I did weigh around 80 lb. I am 5'4" tall so that was very underweight. The ED is more or less under control now and my weight has been stable for years, ranging from around 105-115 lb. (when I wasn't pregnant). I don't know that I'll ever be 100% free of the ED thoughts, but I do much better with them, and behavior-wise, I'd consider myself recovered from the ED for around 8 years now. The anxiety and panic issue as well as the PPD is another matter, though. Currently, I take Cymbalta and Xanax as needed for panic attacks & the depression and Trazodone for sleep.
Shortly before Halloween, my husband was laid off from his job (financial problems at his company). He is a Ph.D. physical chemist, and despite the fact that he earned his Ph.D. at Rice University in Houston under a Nobel Prize winning professor (Dr. Rick Smalley, now deceased), he has a hard time finding work. He contracted for Johnson Space Center (JSC) for awhile, but cutbacks at NASA forced a lay off there as well. I don't know what we're going to do this time, with a toddler. We may have to move in with my inlaws in Southern California if he doesn't find a job soon. I have a master's degree in microbiology from the University of Houston but have been out of the work force some years and am currently a SAHM, so the only income we have right now is his unemployment and money we can beg off his folks. I really hate this limbo state of affairs, and it's not doing my anxiety disorder any good, that's for sure!
I'm not sure exactly what this blog is going to be like--a little about parenting, about breastfeeding, mental health issues, current happenings in my life, whatever strikes my fancy.
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